Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in thatsillygrrrl's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, October 30th, 2005
10:43 pm	ha, I'm back A thousand people can tell you you're beautiful but why believe them? So, it's me vs the masses, am I arrogant enough to think that I know best? The boy in the picture told me that he hated my hair, he didn't like my tattoos and that I could be thinner. The boy next to me in bed held me so tight and for a short while everything was ok, comfortable, how it should be. And I think to myself, is any of this real? Am I unwilling to accept what could be a good thing or am I afraid of what is potentially a disaster? I wonder whether this happens to other people, I act first, I think later, I think to much. Some men kick you out after sex, some men never call, some men call too much, some men roll over and fall asleep, others hold onto to you all night and make you feel like nothing can hurt you. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
2:54 am	deep, perhaps Dear online diary, it's all a matter of perspective... the same person's life will look vastly different from varied vantage points. I walked through the Manhatten sunshine enjoying the warmth of early spring and I wished I could float up above myself and just watch for a while. So up I went and I looked down and told myself that these were probably as Brian Adams would say, the 'best days of my life' - I flipped forward 20 years and saw myself telling stories of how I ended up on the other side of the world with an American boy and a job in an art studio... For is this not what I've always wanted? My dream was always to move to New York, become an artist, go to parties and wear fantastic clothes. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I feel like I'm lying to the world, like it was all too easy and that it's only a matter of time before someone rumbles me and pulls it all out from under my feet. I tell myself I've cheated.... So, up I floated and I saw myself and how hard I'd worked. I always get what I want but that's because I will spend every minute of every day trying to further myself and planning my future. So, perhaps congratulations are in order. Perhaps not, I feel like this is a dream and in two weeks time I'll be back home and my perfect New York life will be no more. It seems the greatest injustice is that love is not boundless. I am so scared of leaving the life I love and never getting it back xxx (Comment on this)
Friday, March 4th, 2005
12:17 pm	Dear public, yet semi secret diary... I think I've become a real adult. I'm on the other side of the world, I've found a job in Manhatten so have been getting up early, walking to work and stopping for coffee and breakfast on the way. I feel completely comfortable roaming around the streets of New York by myself. I understand which way the blocks and avenues go and know my way around.... tis odd - I think I will be more depressed when I get home this time! My job is exhausting, I work 9 hours with very little in the way of breaks.... I'm at work at the mo so I guess I shouldn't be playing around on the internet! xxxx (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
9:36 pm	New York!!!! I'm back, it feels like I never went away. I'm proud of myself. I ventured out onto the mean streets of manhatten alone this morning to go for a job interview, it was scary and stressful, I got lost then it took me half an hour to get a taxi, I ran through the snow and the slush into the middle of the road and threw myself into the only available cab that I'd seen for ages. So, I got to the address and couldn't see anything but a 'Korean Union' building. "What the fuck?!" I thought to myself... was on the verge of tears. I went into a deli to get some change for a payphone, I called the place - obviously they were upstairs in the Korean building! I wish they'd warned me... so I went in, they were in a wierd little studio with graffiti all over the walls and a rabbit in a shopping trolly. I was given a wine glass of water and my interview began. I'm not sure where the guy was from, he wasn't american and his english wasn't great - we had some problems understanding each other! He reeled off a list of exhibitions that I'd never heard of and asked if I'd been. I looked blank. It was horrible. But somehow I got the job! I start tomorrow, I'm working from 9-6 and I'm really nervous! But on the upside, it's lovely to see Alex again, we've been having lots of sex and cups of tea. I couldn't be happier! we're getting matching tattoos this week - hahahaha - I tried to convince him that he wanted to get my name tattooed on him, I don't think he's too keen on the idea! We're getting kettle tattoos, I think they'll be cute. My medication still makes me sleepy but I feel quite sane at the moment, almost of sound mind! Alex and I spend this afternoon in a tea room playing scrabble (I won) we started talking to a scottish woman, Alex told her that we were going to have a dwarf child and call it Randy, I think she thought we were odd. xxx Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
11:39 pm	Late night considerations Dear online diary, It's been a fairly socialble weekend but a little strange. I've been sitting quitly in crowded pubs amongst hoards of people I know. I feel like I've run out of things to say! I feel quite introverted and seem to have gone off speaking... most odd for me... I will usually bollock on for hours to anyone unfortunate enough to invade my personal space. My mum's been depressed this week, I haven't really known how to deal with it. She told me lots of very personal things and I listed and tried to advise her. It sounds selfish but I feel like nothing I say can make any difference and I might as well be talking to a brick wall. When I'm depressed I can run to my mother and she helps make things a bit better. Perhaps I feel bad that I've seen her flaws. I don't know. I feel like I've taken on her problems and that I'm weighed down by them, it's exhausting. I've been missing Alex so much this week. I don't want him to feel like I'm being too clingy, it's just so hard to know what he's thinking when he's so far away. I know that he's probably dating other girls and that I've got no right to stop him from doing so. I know I'll be devastated when he gets involved in a serious relationship... it feels like a time bomb and I'm dreading the inevitable. New York is full of beautiful, interesting people. The town I live in isn't - so while it may be easy and fun for him to move on, it will be nothing of the sort for me. I don't feel like I can convey any of that to him and I don't even really know how he feels about me. I'm pretty certain that if we were to ever call out situation a 'relationship' I could be faithful. Is it odd not to want to sleep with anyone else once you've found someone you care about? Perhaps it is. My head is filled with romantic notions and the idea that love can triumph over all things. I hope I'm not wrong. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 17th, 2005
11:56 pm	A swift resolution Dear online diary, I am trying to be a better, stronger person. At times when my judgement is not clouded by bouts of depression, I am able to see more. I don't think that I'm that bad a person and I think that I deserve respect and good things from others. Therefore... I will not chase boys. They can chase me (ha!) I'm not going to be the pushover girl that always calls when she says she will. I must be strong, I will not send countless emails in the hope of receiving just one reply. I will email only once and not again unless it's an emergency or I get a response. Andre has fleas. I feel all itchy! Current Mood: okay (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 16th, 2005
1:33 pm	Pretty girls and ugly boys I have been very tired of late, I have attempted to aid this by; getting more sleep, eating well and not exerting myself too much. Alas, it is not a physical condition. Being female is exhausting; every day is a tough competition. We must be better dressed, perfectly groomed, witty, funny, intelligent, self sufficient, independent, good mannered but above all, more interesting than the other girls. It’s not easy and this is why…. When I go to a gig, a bar or a club and look around me, beautiful, seemingly effortlessly stylish girls surround me. Girls sitting together, dancing together and lighting each other’s cigarettes. Girls looking around, in vain for the perfect pretty man to compliment them. And that’s what it is, every time. Now, often there will be a beautiful man in one of these places, he will be surrounded by girls (and will most likely be gay) he stands alone and everyone notices him as he is by far the most attractive male in the place. The other men line the walls or perhaps drunkenly venture onto the dance floor and throw shapes at their equally drunken, loutish friends. Girls are not interested in these boys, they are a last resort. So, for every pretty boy in the world, there are about a hundred interested and available beautiful girls. It’s by no means rocket science. Men who are basically ugly but have made a fantastic effort as far as wardrobe, hair and personality are concerned have on many occasions impressed me greatly. It’s not a case of being born pretty, it’s about what you make of yourself. I’m unclear as to why this is such a great secret. I write this because I am worn out by the competition. Many years spent in these Olympics have taken their toll. There will always be a younger, prettier version of yourself right around the corner trying to nab the man that is currently your favourite. There are just not enough pretty boys to go around, the demand cannot possibly be met. Years spent on a waiting list will rip your self confidence to shreds and more evenings will be spent alone, crying in a tracksuit clutching a photo of a boy from many years back. It’s far too common and it’s happening everywhere. If ever you win your race and become the official girlfriend of one of these boys you will be under constant attack from other girls, trying to poach the boy. I am considering throwing in the towel. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
4:53 pm	I hate January! I've been home for a week now. I had an amazing time in New York but it seems like forever-ago. Alex and I got on really well, I felt totally comfortable with him in a way that I hadn't with any man since Lee. I thought that I would be in floods of tears for weeks as soon as I touched home soil but misery seems to have crept up on me more slowly than that. I've had a good week, I've been happy to see everyone and have been showing off my photos and telling my holiday stories. I woke up today and I felt bad. It's a horrible feeling that renders me completely powerless. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about it as it sounds too stupid when I speak it out loud. I miss Alex so much and I have this fear that he's going to meet someone else and just forget about me. The stupid thing is that I know he's going to be seeing other people and there's no way on earth that I can tell him not to. I don't feel the slightest urge to be with anyone else though. He's the first person that's had any sort of life altering effect on me for nearly four years. I don't want to bounce from one meaningless shag to another, wondering whether I'll ever like anyone enough to care whether they care about me. So people ask me how I am and I can't seem to do anything but pretend I'm ok. Maybe I am ok, I'm just a bit confused at the moment xxx Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
11:38 pm	I've been in America for a couple of weeks now, I'm coming home in a week. I'd been planning this trip since August and whenever things were getting a bit shitty I had this to look forward to. I'm having the most wonderful time, it's so good to escape and to just be happy and not worry about anything except getting too drunk and running out of cigarettes. I know I'm going to be so depressed when it's all over, I can feel it coming on and there's nothing in the world I can do about it, I'm scared. Escapism is just a fantasy, you can't run from the mundane all your life. The problem is that I've found something that I haven't felt for years and something that, for a long time, I never thought I could feel again. I've been shown how wonderful life can be and what I've spent so much time daydreaming about and it's going to be taken away from me. I'm not sure what scares me most. I think it's being forgotten, that when I leave, there'll be nothing left of me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
5:17 pm	Just a quickie Dear online diary, I am in America, it is more fun here, I don't have to worry about any real things. That is all for now xx (Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2004
9:31 pm	Nothing much I'm afraid my life hasn't been very newsworthy recently. I'm really enjoying staying in by myself this evening listening to Joy Division (no, I really am!) I'm a bit fed up of not being able to drink. I can have a couple of drinks, literally just a couple, any more than that and I feel ill. I don't even get to that chirpy drunk stage, I just feel rubbish. Perhaps I will develop a drug habit instead. I have noticed a great improvement in my mood since starting the most recent medication so it's probably best to stick with it! Shit, I really have y'know, I've only just considered it... So, only a week until I'm off to America, I think I'm pretty well prepared for it. Well, I have been thinking about it since the middle of August so you would hope so! I need to dig out my nylon flight stockings (sexy) as dying from deep vein thrombosis would be a bit of a shame. I think I'm going to celebrate Christmas this week. I will try to go to the pub a bit more and see as many people as possible. I normally go to open mic on mondays I think but I haven't heard from Charlie tonight so I assume he's up to.. well, I don't know! haha... still, I have Joy Division and a pair of cowboy boots that are halfway through being decorated. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
4:03 pm	just a thought I've lost my appetite completely. I just about eat one meal a day... er, I wonder if something's wrong with me (she says whilst polishing off the second half of a chocolate bar) Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
12:09 am	Sleeping problems Things are still fucked up in dreamland. My dreams seem to be just as real, if not more so, as the rest of my life! Last night's was no exception... I had a whole new family, they were all blonde and had curly hair and blue eyes, a sort of Hitler-esque bunch! My dad was angry with my brother because he had just decided that this brother had been directly responsible for the death of my youngest brother two years ago. He thought that it was murder and was determined to have my brother executed. Things were tense at home and as I felt no great connection to my new made up family and their made up problems I packed a bag and left. Getting out of town proved difficult, I called a friend to try and hitch a ride but had no luck. I then managed to get a plane to America but they wouldn't let me in because I hadn't brushed my hair. I met up with a girl called Claire who I don't really like, she was guarding her house from people who were throwing water bombs, I offered to help and in return she gave me a place to stay. I was happy there for a few weeks, a lot of my old friends had turned up and we were running an antiques shop and living above it. I woke up early one day and had a sudden urge to look in some of the other bedrooms to find out who was living in the house. I found my friend Jim, spread out across one of the beds in a darkened room. Jim was wearing a wife beater vest and some large white pants. I climbed into bed next to him and hugged him. It wasn't sexual (I don't think!) but it was the loveliest hug, it lasted for ages and it made everything better again. That was the end of the dream but I woke up feeling all warm and happy. Am tempted to call Jim and ask him for a cuddle, from what I remember he's quite good at them. I'm still not sure why my dreams are so vivid at the moment, I'm quite enjoying them. They're often more fun than being awake! xxxxx Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Friday, November 26th, 2004
4:03 pm	Injured swans and pornographic messages I am blaming Matt for last night's dream in which I attempted to nurse an injured swan. I crouched down beside it, stroking its beak, I had known the swan for a long time and tears were streaming down my face as I feared it was close to death. I eventually found a vet willing to operate on it, he assured me that it would be ok. And it was. Odd, things don't generally turn out for the best in these sorts of dreams. I am pleased that my swan was ok, it must be a good omen of sorts. My alarm clock went off at 7.30 this morning, I lay in bed trying to wake up for a good ten minutes before deciding that I deserved a few more hours sleep. I've been to my friday lecture for the past two weeks... I managed to justify my lack of effort to myself somehow! I keep getting perverse messages from a man called Dan, whom I accidently emailed my new phone number to a while ago. I don't want to be seen merely as a masturbation aid! He sent me 4 messages before getting any sort of response out of me the other night, I thought if I was very matter of fact and not at all smutty then it would be ok. But no... it was only a matter of time before he was describing his throbbing cock and what he'd like to do to me in front of a mirror. Now, dirty messages are all well and good when they're from your boyfriend or someone who cares enough about you to be nice as well as smutty but I don't want them from a man I've met once and never had any physical contact with. I am weary. I think I will marry the man that says 'come over to mine, I've put the kettle on and I bought some biscuits' I think I will decline the man that says 'I want to pull you back by your blonde hair, spank your arse as I fuck you hard before I spin you round and cum in your face' I'm not in the mood, I don't want cum in my face today! ta very much. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 25th, 2004
9:22 pm	Last night I had the strangest dream.... I was approached by a shadowy figure (for, all mysterious, cloaked folks can be described as somewhat 'shadowy')he sat down on the grass next to me, the sun was going down but it was still warm and there were lots of people in the garden. He turned to face me and spoke in a softer tone than I had expected from such a morbid looking fellow "I'm glad you came to Hindhead" I smiled, "Of course I came to Hindhead, it's such a magical place, I had been meaning to visit for a while" This was a lie, I wasn't sure how I'd come to be in Hindhead or why.. all I remembered was that the lift had broken and I'd had to find an alternative method of transport. I had opted for a thin wire and a piece of string. My leg ached from where I'd bashed it on the side of Debenhams but, apart from that I was un marked from the experience. I looked for the penny sweets that I had picked up from HMV, Alan had helped me select them, I wanted to eat Dolly Mixture but alas, I had left it somewhere on my journey. The cloaked man spoke again, "You are always welcome in my house, you must stay for dinner, although it is customary to enter through the window" .............................................. So, that was the dream. I wonder what part of my brain created that little story. And what on Earth did Hindhead have to do with anything?! I don't think I've ever been there, as far as I know it's around here somewhere but I do not recall ever thinking about it. Ever! Perhaps I should go there, maybe the dream means something. I must find someone that lives in Hindhead and question them. It is a comfort to know that even on days when I think all is lost, I still have my imagination. xoxox Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
4:21 pm	Hmmmmm I'm sitting here listening to i-tunes on random, I feel like I'm on a bizarre emotional journey! I wonder whether other people have this problem when they listen to compilations of songs from different stages of their lives. It's odd how one song can jog so many memories and how all at once I can remember exactly how I felt on one day several years ago. A lot has changed since I listened to the first Suede album on repeat on my walkman where ever I went. I miss Winchester, having pink hair and wishing that I was a fairy. I really miss Anna, she was my best friend at the time and the first person I ever had a deep/soul bearing conversation with. We used to smoke Marlboro Reds and go to goth clubs to laugh at the people. She once told me that the best thing to do when you are so depressed that you want to die is to wallow in your own misery; to smoke too much and lock yourself away listening to sad music and writing angsty poetry. Before you know it, you are having quite a nice time. She was always there and she always had an answer despite the scars on her arms being the worst that I've seen to this day. We lost touch, she moved down to Brighton, I saw her briefly about a year ago but she'd changed, or maybe I had. Everything is different now, I have new friends and am a bit more stable than I used to be! Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
12:05 am	Smiles Today has been a good day. College went well, I kick ass at typography, oh yes. I have been smiling at people today, I even had a chat with the bus driver. I suppose a lot of people are afraid of a girl who just grins and has a vacant loook in her eyes, I'm not going to let this worry me. If the world knew how much time I spent being in a bad mood then they would be happy to see my toothy grin! I saw ex boyfriend Paul today, he hates me and scowls whenever I cross his path. I did not smile at him, but I did note, to my amusement that he looks stupid with his dyed purple braided hair. People in their late 20s should not look like 14 year old skater kids, it's not a good thing! I'm not sure whether I was mean to him or not when we were going out, I suppose I was a little bit but he could well be accused of emotional blackmail and being far too intense all the time. Gosh, so many issues out of a relationship that only lasted a month... I had a nice time at the pub tonight, there were lots of people around, I smoked too much. I had a good outfit :-) I haven't had any alcohol for ages, I seem to have just as much fun without it and I don't make a complete arse out of myself, plus it's a lot cheaper. Horay! Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 21st, 2004
10:51 pm	About girls I went shopping in London yesterday... something terrible happens to me when I am amongst other girls in a crowded clothes shop. I become aggressive, it's a scary transformation, I feel a bit like Wolverine in the X-Men. My elbows become pointier, my fingernails extend into claws and my vision becomes ten times stronger. So, senses hightened and weapons primed I make my way into the throng of hundreds of girls in the biggest Topshop in the country, on a Saturday before Christmas. I barged through the crowds leaving a trail of destruction, when I saw girls heading for the same garment as me I let out lightning bolts and flew over, siezing the clothes before anybody else had a chance to. Sounds a bit over the top? Not really! I have spent this week re-thinking my ideas about girls and boys, I have come to the conclusion that we are completely different. I have a lot of male friends and I generally get on really well with boys, I always have done. Whenever a boyfriend has done something that I have deemed as cruel I have turned to a male friend for an explanation. I usually get one along the lines of 'that's just what men are like'. So, are men in fact complete bastards by default? Are women just born neurotic, insecure power freaks? I am thinking about times when I have knowingly been a complete bitch towards someone that I have been in a relationship with. My lists of crimes include; not returning calls, not bothering to send messages, let alone reply to them and not wanting to introduce them to family or friends. When I have done this, I have been given lectures about how inconsiderate I am, how I am selfish and an all round 'bad egg'. What the boys in question don't seem to realise that this happens to us girls all the time. We have learnt to harden ourselves towards unanswered messages and although we secretly get upset about this, we would never dream of letting on. Some men think that we just want to check up on them all the time. Now, unless they've given us a good reason to be suspicious, this isn't really the case. I think we just need to know that someone thinks we're pretty/nice/interesting etc every single day. When a girl looks in the mirror she sees a fat, bad haired, totally unloveable monster type creature. It's true, every day we worry that the boys will find out that we are in fact very far from being human. When the phone doesn't ring, we think our secret's out! So, I don't think it is that men are bastards, I think it's that women have a terrible secret and find it impossible to act normally at all times. This is the excuse. xxx Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 18th, 2004
10:12 pm	Banning stuff FINALLY! I am starting to feel normal again. Sadly, this means facing reality, not staying in bed all day and just getting on with things. I am still stressed out about college but I think if I work all day tomorrow (instead of sleeping) I can get a good lot done. I'm watching the news, the government has just banned fox hunting. There's such a massive uproar about it, I mean, really.... do these countryside people know what twats they look like jumping around with banners? They can still go horse riding for goodness sakes. But then again, I don't live in the countryside, it just seems like they have strange ideas about what's fun. It all involves killing things and wearing funny clothes. Smoking is going to get banned in bars before long, there are plenty of pissed off people but we're not going to protest about it. I think it's because secretly, we know we've got a bad habit. I wish that nosepicking was banned in public. It does really upset me, I don't want to see anyone picking their nose near me! I think this fear goes way back to childhood. Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
12:55 pm	Of Sickness I've got flu, proper flu, the sort where I can't leave my bed without collapsing, I've even got a temperature. One part of myself is proud for having a 'real' illness, the sort that gives you a genuine excuse not to do anything... the other part of me is very stressed out about the fact that I'm not doing anything. I'm panicking about college, I got told off on Monday for not having done enough work, I tried to explain to the tutor in my gravelly sick person's voice that I hadn't been feeling very well but he didn't believe me. He shouted and said that I had better have a substantial amount done by Thursday. Being tomorrow. I haven't done anything. I woke up in a panic at 4 this morning and was going to try and phone people and express my worries about college. My friends don't really appreciate phone calls at that time though. I'm not sure what to do, I feel a bit better than I did yesterday although I still can't walk properly, my temperature has settled. Should I try to get the work done or should I just try to recover? Current Mood: sick (1 Comment |Comment on this)